This is my stripper publicity photo for my Chloe Deschanel persona. She is not as cute as Zooey but she WILL dance awkwardly to the New Girl theme song while wearing a high waisted tutu and brightly-colored bra.
Anyway, this is the story of what I did with my life on Valentines/Valentimes/Gal-entines, because I feel that it is my civic duty to let the world know what people do when they are...me....OK let me start over. I just wanted to write about my day. How's that? HAPPY NOW, WORLD?!
Sorry. Stress.
So, my day went something like this:
1. Midnight...the internet is down, a fact that I don't realize until it was "too cold" for me to leave to study at the library (around 9.) Instead, I write some of my fantasy novel (I know, shut up) in my room and do absolutely nothing productive, unless you think I am going to be a famous writer, which maybe you do.
2. 1:30 ish. I decide that since the internet is down, I will have to watch a DVD to "help me go to sleep." For some reason, I always think that no, watching something on my laptop will really and truly soothe me to sleep, but it is a damn lie. Anyway, I decided to watch Wedding Crashers, since I knew there was no way I would pay attention to it, and so on.
3. 3:00 ish...I finish Wedding Crashers....I re-start Wedding Crashers.
4. 3:15 ish. I try to remember if I have any more ice cream, because the Chins (not a Chinese family, but an affectionate name for the soft underside of my jaw) are demanding tribute most fervently, as is their custom when I am awake past 11 PM (erryday.) I only have English Toffee ice cream, which I bought not knowing there are almonds in English Toffee. I am the slightest bit allergic to almonds, but figure since I didn't go into anaphylactic shock the last time I ate it, I will survive.
5. 3:30 or thereabouts. I decide I cannot watch any more of Wedding Crashers on principal because I should have better taste and the men in it are misogynistic a-holes, even if one of them is Vince Vaughn, who I discovered around this time is not actually that cute to me.
6. 4:00. I give up all hope of being alert today in class, turn on my phone flashlight, and start re-reading Perks of Being A Wallflower. Feel emotional, then realize how many times Charlie cries in the book. Charlie is ALWAYS crying. I love the book and I get that he's unstable, but it's like...bro. I don't know how people put up with your shit.
7. 8:15 AM. Wake up glad that I am already basically in clothes (not PJs.) Put on pants, go to my first class, which is not even MY class, it's a class I transcribe.
8. 9:00 AM. Remember once I arrive at the classroom that this class is cancelled today.
9. 9:03 AM. Say the f word in the hallway of the Family Life building.
10. 9:06 AM. Decide if I am going to be awake, I might as well go do math homework in the computer lab. DO SO and feel mega-accomplished for completing something like 4 problems, even though there are 5 assignments due tomorrow and yadayadaprocrastinationwhatever.
11. 10:00 AM. Wonder if there are still Box Elder bugs in Ray B West, and feel my hair to make sure that there is not one crawling around in there and generally being the grossest.
12. 10:02 AM. Breathe a sigh of relief.
13. 10:30 AM...go transcribe a social work class. Learn about SAAVI, but do not learn how many AAs and IIs are in "SAAVI." Type it several different ways for good measure.
14. 11:45 AM. Forget that I have basically no nap time, go home in high spirits.
15: 11:59 AM. Arrive home, realize I have to be back on campus at 1:00 to transcribe AGAIN, despair. Eat candy from Valentines care package my mom sent me, put on red lipstick, change into actual outfit.
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16. 1:00 PM, head back to campus with a weary heart, but feel like I could walk around in just a cardigan instead of a coat, which gives me hope for the future.
17. 2:45 PM, consider skipping ENGL 3710 which is Jewish Folklore, but really should just be called Jewish Holidays because we do not actually study folklore. However, as I have missed the class not once, not twice, but thrice, I lug my gigantic transcribing rollybag from Family Life to Ray West, probably frightening all the people in that weird little computer lab between the two buildings and probably making people wonder why I feel the need to bring a suitcase to class when it is definitely not a suitcase.
18. 3:00 PM. Begin a documentary about a Jewish woman who re-finds her faith upon learning she has lung cancer, because OF COURSE that fits in with Jewish folklore.
19. 4:00 PM. Wish myself a happy Valentines day by getting myself the most romantic present ever...a kids meal from Betos. Wonder which supernaturally-based TV show I should watch on Netflix while I eat Betos in my bed, cause whatever.
20. 4:15 PM. Choose the Liberty Bell episode of Always Sunny.
21. 6:30 PM. After "doing math" for a couple hours (aka talking to friends on facebook chat) decide to go to Helicon West, cause why not. I bring my poetry notebook in case I suddenly feel like Sylvia Plath and I simply MUST READ MY WORK.
22. 8:30 PM. Hear a poem about a girl murdering someone, I think. She kisses duct tape over his mouth and says something about blood. So I'm pretty sure that's what went down. I have been sitting next to this girl for an hour. I am suddenly very terrified.
23. 8:45 PM. Drive home from Helicon listening to Mumford and Sons and wondering which of Marcus Mumford's girlfriends I like better...Laura Marling or current flame Carrie Mulligan, and think to myself he definitely has a "type."
24. 9:00 PM-1:00 AM. Send ugly snapchats of myself to Chelsea, argue with McKay about Demi Lavato, make a thousand playlists on spotify.
25. 1:07 AM. Technically not Valentines any more. Wonder if I should watch Wedding Crashers again. Accept that I am 100% going to fail math and never graduate from college, probably. Wonder if I'd rather work at McDonalds or if I can really make a living as a stripper.
Fin.
Happy Valentines Day.
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