Flirting, Part 2

Today I was talking with my mom, telling her of all my various man-catching flirting techniques, in particular, those I utilized today, which included:

1. Not flirting

2. Not doing the flirty touch thing

3. Not acting interested at all

My mom listened to me patiently, then told me I was a dipshit and had better make some reparations.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Hypotheticals

So, I was hanging out with my roommates, which was odd in and of itself because we generally don't all hang out together, and of course the topic got turned to boys. I mean, come on. Of course it did. Don't pretend to be surprised.

And then, of course, the topic got turned to boys that I like, because, ya know, I guess everyone has to share.

And then my roommate, Clare, bless her heart, tells me that I should "

go over to his house and just kiss him and leave RIGHT NOW."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha.

Here's how I imagine that would go down:

Me: Uhh...hi. Is so and such home?

So and Such's Roommate: Uhh...I think so. Who are you?

Me: I'm Chloe...can I just talk to So and Such for a second? (Said like I are going to throw up all over my shoes at any second)

So and Such's Roommate: Yeah, OK. I think so and such is in his room.

I knock on So and Such's door. He answers, sees me, and looks very, very confused.

So and Such: Hi Chloe. What the balls are you doing in my apartment/house/

condo?

Me: Uhhhhh.... (Tries not to have a repeat of the geocaching incident of '09) I uhm...need to talk to you.

So and Such: OK, but I have a lot to do and I'm really not sure why you're here unannounced.

We go into So and Such's room. So and Such looks at me like he is not sure whether or not I am completely sane and sober. Finally he sits down at a desk or on his bed or something and I sit down next to him. I try to sit closer to him but he moves away with a terrified look on his face

Or alternatively does not pick up what I am trying to do at all.

Me: So, my roommate said I should come over here and kiss you HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I continue laughing while So and Such looks on, not sure how to respond. Finally, I make some sort of erratic head movement in his direction, then either pass out, run away, or smack heads with him so hard that one or the other or both of us crack our skulls.

The end.

I don't know how smooth my roommates think that I am (because they kept trying to convince me this was an EXCELLENT plan for about 2 hours) but I can assure you, I am about as smooth as...an unsmooth thing. Oatmeal? I don't know. I have about as much game as John Heder even after John Heder made some money in the movies which should have given him more game (my apologies to John Heder if you are under the illusion that you have game and that you don't have milk teeth. Also, I couldn't think of a phenomenal example of someone with no game, except maybe myself again)

Pictured: Me on a "hike" a few years ago

Not pictured: Game.

Flirting, Guys.

OK, so. Recently I watched this video on videogum.com

Annnnd I laughed. A lot.

But then I started thinking, "Oh man, I am the worst at flirting, and this girl is probably giving better flirting tips than I ever could."

Case in point. My freshman year of college, before my friend Sean V. was my friend Sean V., errybody in my apartment wanted a piece of Sean V. We just didn't say so to each other. Anyways, I was the first to try for his affections (then my roommate Ali made out with him while I was home for the weekend and I didn't like him any more)

So the first time that I thought to myself, self, you know what would be a good idea? To intentionally say something flirtatious to Sean instead of letting conversation flow naturally, because when you do that, you friendzone yourself SO hard, I managed to say literally the worst thing in the history of the world.

Do you want to know what that was?

I'm sure you do.

So, I don't remember how the topic came up, but we were talking about geocacheing. Sean was saying in high school they would geocache in gym, for some reason. Of course, I know a good opportunity to put the moves on a bro when I see one. So, I flirtatiously asked what he did with the things he found, such as the toy horse he was particularly proud of uncovering. He told me he had to put the items back.

Do you want to know what I said to that? Oh man, I don't even know if I want to tell my reader what I said to that.

Ok...fine.

I said, and I quote, "If it were me, I'd like...take a dump on it. So the next person who found it would be all, what the hell, man."

So just to re-cap, here are Chloe's Tips on Flirting:

1. If you want to impress a boy, ask him about his geocacheing.

2. When the boy tells you about things he geocached, tell him he's dumb for not having defecated on the items he found.

3. Enjoy having a million boyfriends, because this technique always works.

You win, hannahmiller9927.