I'm So Not Cool

I don't know how many of you remember Savage Garden. I didn't remember Savage Garden, really. I used to listen to them with my BFFL (except not really for L because I haven't seen her since High School graduation...whatever) in her bedroom forEVER. And we were really, really offended by the song "Universe" because they said something about being naked. I should probably google it so you can read how offensive and terrible it was. Whatever. Moving on.
I was in one of those weird nostalgic moods a couple of days ago and for some reason I thought, you know what is a good idea, self? To listen to Savage Garden real loud. And dance. So that's what I did.

If I was on My Strange Addiction, that would be my opening monologue, then there would be a video of me watching Savage Garden music videos and doing literally nothing else. Except maybe eating chips and buying Savage Garden merch, and maybe dying and cutting my hair to look like the lead singer. Idk. Things to think about.

For those of you that don't know, this is Savage Garden:



...Oh. The line was "imagine that our clothes are on the floor." SCANDALOUS. STOP IT, SAVAGE GARDEN!

I think something might be wrong with me...

I have a crush on Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec.

Not the actor that plays Ron Swanson, Ron Swanson the character. He wears long-sleeved polos tucked into his bad, bad, bad jeans and has a thick, distinguished mustache.

This is him.

He says things like "you had me at meat tornado" and "It’s never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teet until they have sore, chapped nipples."

Why do I love him???

Undeniable Foxiness

So, today I was thinking it would be a great idea for me to start my own line of perfume to be sold exclusively at Dillards, or somewhere. And the perfume would be called "Undeniable Foxiness," as undeniable foxiness is what I possess. And then the picture for the perfume would be this picture:

Because it showcases how undeniably foxy I am and would sell wayyyyy more perfume than this kind of hideous garbage:

Happy Leap Day!

If I took this holiday seriously I would go to Ireland with my longtime boyfriend and propose to him in an effort to be romantic that would come off as sad instead.

Actually, that's a lie, I would never, ever do that. And I do a lot of things that you should probably never, ever do (see post on geocaching)

So anyway, because it's Leap Day, I feel like I should be doing something special, ya know, since it's a once every four years type of thing, but instead, I am watching a gross amount of Parks and Rec. Seriously, I don't want to think about how many episodes of Parks and Rec I've watched today.

OH! I want to tell you guys about my couch.

My beautiful wonderful and lovely roommates Clare and Summer went to the DI while I was home visiting my parents because they do fun things when I'm gone on purpose (OK, maybe not.) Annnnd I guess they decided that it would be a great idea to buy the back seat of a car and use it as a couch. So now we have that in our living room annnd it's pretty comfy and I love it. Aside from being comfy and weird, the couch has a special Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants significance, in that we are all going to have to make out with someone on it before the end of the year.

Just kidding, that would be gross. But also funny. So I might be a little serious.

Anyways, have a lovely day, guys.

Flirting, Part 2

Today I was talking with my mom, telling her of all my various man-catching flirting techniques, in particular, those I utilized today, which included:

1. Not flirting

2. Not doing the flirty touch thing

3. Not acting interested at all

My mom listened to me patiently, then told me I was a dipshit and had better make some reparations.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Celery

In an effort to eat something other than corn chips and breads of all kinds, I decided to buy some celery while I was at the grocery store. Now, I knew going into my celery adventure that I am not the biggest celery fan. However, as celery is mostly water and has basically no flavor, I thought that it would be a good way to pretend to be eating healthy things and that it would be very easy for me to mask any flavor the celery might have with something else. Like peanut butter, for example. I mean, have you ever put peanut butter in/on something? You put one fifteenmilionth of a spoonful of peanut butter in a milkshake or smoothie and it is a freakin peanut butter smoothie. It doesn't matter if the other ingredients are raw salmon and lemon juice. The thing will taste like peanut butter.

So today when I got home from work, I thought to myself, self, you have eaten nothing but movie theater popcorn for about 6 hours. You should probably try to put something in your body that is not going to literally kill you. As it was already almost 11:00 PM, I decided that my super special snack was going to be celery, and since I was not yet feeling brave enough to put hummus on it (I don't know why, because hummus is my favorite food EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and I am not saying this in a sarcastic tone) I decided that I would put peanut butter on my celery. I put a lot. We're talking a ratio of about 16 parts peanut butter to 1 part celery.

I don't know how the celery did it, guys. I don't understand how this possibly could have happened. But I couldn't finish all 3 sticks? pieces? whatever you call them, of celery, because celery is nasty bullcrap.

There, I said it. Celery is literally the worst thing ever. I don't care that it's a negative calorie food, or whatever. I don't know anyone that can eat celery without drowning it in something, and I'm pretty sure that the drowning thing un negatives the negative calorie effect.

ALSO. Celery must be freaking magic, because I coated it in peanut butter, meaning that this blog post should not have ever been written because I should not have been able to taste the celery. But I could. Celery managed to make its disgusting, odd-textured self known through a frightening and potentially harmful amount of chunky peanut butter.

I am not a picky eater, by the way. I don't eat meat, but I will eat pretty much anything else. All vegetables, fruits, whatever are up for grabs. But not freaking celery.

Also not bananas, but that's another post.

A brief list of things I would rather do than go to work today

Tonight we have midnights, which means I won't get off of work until at least 1:30 AM annnnnd I really don't want to work until 1:30. So here is a list of things I would rather do:

Pull out all of my eyelashes one by one and eat them.

Watch a marathon of The Closer starring Kiera Sedgwick while Kiera Sedgwick sits next to me and tells me behind the scenes info about The Closer and/or intimate secrets about her marriage to Kevin Bacon.

Have a marathon of all the Transformers movies.

Get my blood drawn.

Make out with a hobo.