I'm a little bummed out because I was thinking of what to write in this Manifestoconfessional, then I got in the shower and forgot it all. Iknowright? Stupid.
So anyway, on Sunday night I had a friend over and we were talking about our religious beliefs (or lack thereof) to my roommate and good friend, MayLynn. Or I guess I could say he was mostly talking and I was saying affirming things like "me too" and "yes." But regardless, today when I was in my room, I heard my other roommates talking about how they "wished I wouldn't talk about my beliefs in the living room."
At first, I found this really funny. Then I was a little bothered by it. I know I shouldn't have been. It's just a fact of life that when you have different beliefs from the general population, some people are going to resent them, and by extension, you. I was bothered because they get to air their beliefs whenever and wherever they want, and they are praised for "spreading the word," whereas when I talk about what I believe, I get shut down, some people don't want to talk to me any more, and there's a general feeling of discomfort even among those who are more accepting.
However, instead of shutting me down, actually experiencing a little piece of this disdain for the first time (or I should say, for the first time with people I don't really know or care about) only spurred me on to say what I want to say and just let the chips fall where they may. Hopefully those of you who are reading this are open minded enough to realize that religion, like sexuality or whether or not you like green beans, is really, truly, nobody's business but your own. Whether someone believes in God, many Gods, no God, or doesn't know what they believe it should in no way affect how you treat them, how you perceive their morality, or whether or not you get to know them. Religion is personal and private, and for some reason we as a society refuse to let it stay that way, to the point that I have to write something like this, though I hardly think I need to justify myself, to explain what I believe just to get it out there in the open and see who can deal with it and who can't.
It's important to know, first of all, that I grew up in an interesting family dynamic. My mom is a Mormon, but my dad is Atheist. I actually consider myself very lucky to have grown up this way. It allowed me to see vastly different sides of the religious spectrum. Additionally, I already had a very inquisitive personality, and I was never quick to accept that something was true just "because it is." I was never OK with just hoping for an explanation, I wanted to know. Having two parents with beliefs that differed in the extremes only made me more curious. I'm grateful for that.
That's not to say that growing up torn between two "extremes" wasn't difficult. I wanted to make both of my parents happy, like most children. However, my mom was the one who got to decide our religious upbringing, and she raised us Mormon. Of course, I had all of the Mormon guilt that comes along with being human, or as I've often heard people described, "the natural man." However, I was never quite as guilty as I "should" have been in order to be a "good" Mormon. Sure, I felt bad when I had thoughts pertaining to anything against the Word of Wisdom, and when I swore, sometimes I felt a little regretful. But overall, my inclination against being told what to do and a universal, objective morality kept me from really, truly squashing my desires. I've heard it said that some people just do what they do out of fear of being punished. I think that I lost that fear at a young age, at least when it came to church.
The older I got, the more I got the feeling that church didn't really hold anything for me. I remember skipping Seminary in middle school to walk home to eat lunch because I felt so uncomfortable trying to express opinions that I didn't share just because I was expected to by the teacher. I remember pretending to be sick every Sunday so I wouldn't have to go to church and being so excited when I finally got a job that would require me to be at work during our meeting time. And I remember being fourteen or fifteen and changing my myspace (I know, right) page to say that I was "agnostic," because at the time I was still afraid to question religion beyond simply the existence of one "correct" religion. I thought that organized religion takes up too much of people's time and dictates too many of their opinions for them. The more I saw people get in to organized religion, the less individuality I saw. That always really bothered me, especially since, though Mormonism claims to be "the one true religion" there were huge, HUGE parts of Mormon doctrine that I fundamentally disagreed with (particularly their views on women's roles and marriage.) I wondered what the point was of belonging to a church that I couldn't be behind 100 percent.
Anyway, my mom found my myspace (because this was middle school/early high school, and that was still a thing that happened...moms found your secret myspace pages) and I got in a LOT of trouble for having put "agnostic" as my religious preference. I understand now that she just wanted what she perceived to be best for me--to be part of a religion that she thought (and thinks) is pure truth from a divine creator. I also remember her saying "does this mean you don't believe in God?" It was the first time I let myself really form that thought in my head. I was too scared of what it would mean if I didn't believe in God to let myself pursue the idea further.
During high school, my mom basically gave up on trying to make me go to church. I was no longer even asked if I wanted to go to girls camp, and no one made me take seminary. I don't know to this day how I got off scott free, but I managed it. Throughout all that time I played with the idea of the non-existance of God, I even talked about it with one of my friends. Any time I brought it up, though, I was shut down. It was pretty lonely, and I tried to push it back as much as possible. I genuinely thought that there was no way for me to be happy if I didn't believe in God, and I felt so sorry for my Dad that I often cried because I was sure that he must be so miserable, knowing there was nothing to look forward to after death.
In college, I lived with my best friend, Tess. She, like me, had had some issues with the church. I felt we were really on the same page--that is, we both assumed that we were Mormons at heart that just couldn't accept the full truth of the gospel yet, and obviously we'd go back to being Mormons in the end, but for the moment we wanted to do whatever we wanted to do without regard to religion. I believed that, to an extent, or at least, it was easier to believe it when she was around. Secretly, though, I knew I wouldn't ever go back, and I feared that if and when she did it would sever all ties between us.
By the time we got into our junior year, I knew from enough research (which I had been assured by multiple persons was blasphemous--there's always something wrong written about the church on the internet for you to find, apparently, even if that "something wrong" is scientific fact...) and enough personal feeling that I was no longer willing to accept anything that could not be conclusively proven to me until such a time that it could, in fact, be tested and proven true. Unhappily, that included the idea of a deity. Still, with no one I felt like I could talk to, I kept my mouth shut.
I have been so lucky in this last year. Tess moved out and is going on a mission, and I'm happy she's happy. I miss her all the time and still love her to death. However, when she moved out we both got to grow and develop into more full versions of ourselves. With more or less no one left in Logan that I knew from my formative years, I felt more comfortable delving deeper into feelings I had previously left unexplored.
Then, in the last couple of months, I met a person who shares my beliefs, and is free and open and willing to talk to anyone who will listen about those beliefs. Seeing that kind of "eh, whatever, this is who I am, deal with it" attitude made me feel better about expressing myself. It's always nice to know you have an ally.
So before now I've only let a couple of people in on my dirty little secret. Really, I shouldn't have to tell anyone, unless they ask. But such is the way of the world. Again, I am so lucky. No one I've told that really cares about me has shied away from a friendship with me just because we are different. We can respect one another and focus on all the many thousands of things that make us who we are instead of the one stupid, insignificant detail that everyone seems bound and determined to get stuck in their teeth.
I could really go on and on and elaborate on this post forever, but as I have a midterm tomorrow, I feel like I should probably just call it a night. To whoever is reading this, don't be afraid to question what you know. If you don't question and search beyond your comfort zone, how will you ever know for sure what you believe?
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