Happy Leap Day!

If I took this holiday seriously I would go to Ireland with my longtime boyfriend and propose to him in an effort to be romantic that would come off as sad instead.

Actually, that's a lie, I would never, ever do that. And I do a lot of things that you should probably never, ever do (see post on geocaching)

So anyway, because it's Leap Day, I feel like I should be doing something special, ya know, since it's a once every four years type of thing, but instead, I am watching a gross amount of Parks and Rec. Seriously, I don't want to think about how many episodes of Parks and Rec I've watched today.

OH! I want to tell you guys about my couch.

My beautiful wonderful and lovely roommates Clare and Summer went to the DI while I was home visiting my parents because they do fun things when I'm gone on purpose (OK, maybe not.) Annnnd I guess they decided that it would be a great idea to buy the back seat of a car and use it as a couch. So now we have that in our living room annnd it's pretty comfy and I love it. Aside from being comfy and weird, the couch has a special Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants significance, in that we are all going to have to make out with someone on it before the end of the year.

Just kidding, that would be gross. But also funny. So I might be a little serious.

Anyways, have a lovely day, guys.

Flirting, Part 2

Today I was talking with my mom, telling her of all my various man-catching flirting techniques, in particular, those I utilized today, which included:

1. Not flirting

2. Not doing the flirty touch thing

3. Not acting interested at all

My mom listened to me patiently, then told me I was a dipshit and had better make some reparations.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Celery

In an effort to eat something other than corn chips and breads of all kinds, I decided to buy some celery while I was at the grocery store. Now, I knew going into my celery adventure that I am not the biggest celery fan. However, as celery is mostly water and has basically no flavor, I thought that it would be a good way to pretend to be eating healthy things and that it would be very easy for me to mask any flavor the celery might have with something else. Like peanut butter, for example. I mean, have you ever put peanut butter in/on something? You put one fifteenmilionth of a spoonful of peanut butter in a milkshake or smoothie and it is a freakin peanut butter smoothie. It doesn't matter if the other ingredients are raw salmon and lemon juice. The thing will taste like peanut butter.

So today when I got home from work, I thought to myself, self, you have eaten nothing but movie theater popcorn for about 6 hours. You should probably try to put something in your body that is not going to literally kill you. As it was already almost 11:00 PM, I decided that my super special snack was going to be celery, and since I was not yet feeling brave enough to put hummus on it (I don't know why, because hummus is my favorite food EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and I am not saying this in a sarcastic tone) I decided that I would put peanut butter on my celery. I put a lot. We're talking a ratio of about 16 parts peanut butter to 1 part celery.

I don't know how the celery did it, guys. I don't understand how this possibly could have happened. But I couldn't finish all 3 sticks? pieces? whatever you call them, of celery, because celery is nasty bullcrap.

There, I said it. Celery is literally the worst thing ever. I don't care that it's a negative calorie food, or whatever. I don't know anyone that can eat celery without drowning it in something, and I'm pretty sure that the drowning thing un negatives the negative calorie effect.

ALSO. Celery must be freaking magic, because I coated it in peanut butter, meaning that this blog post should not have ever been written because I should not have been able to taste the celery. But I could. Celery managed to make its disgusting, odd-textured self known through a frightening and potentially harmful amount of chunky peanut butter.

I am not a picky eater, by the way. I don't eat meat, but I will eat pretty much anything else. All vegetables, fruits, whatever are up for grabs. But not freaking celery.

Also not bananas, but that's another post.

A brief list of things I would rather do than go to work today

Tonight we have midnights, which means I won't get off of work until at least 1:30 AM annnnnd I really don't want to work until 1:30. So here is a list of things I would rather do:

Pull out all of my eyelashes one by one and eat them.

Watch a marathon of The Closer starring Kiera Sedgwick while Kiera Sedgwick sits next to me and tells me behind the scenes info about The Closer and/or intimate secrets about her marriage to Kevin Bacon.

Have a marathon of all the Transformers movies.

Get my blood drawn.

Make out with a hobo.

A blog about things that have already happened!!

Ok, so a lot of the events on this post happened a while ago, but I thought it would be more effective to talk about them now that I have all the pictures! Right? Right.

First thing's first, I am the best at building things.

Obviously.

This is a bookshelf I got at WalMart, so it was not going to turn out that great to begin with. So first I lost the instructions and looked up some instructions on the internet. And then I started assembling the parts incorrectly. Then I found out I had been sitting on the instructions all along, which made me feel like a fool.

Once I found the instructions, I noticed that for some reason, the folks over at CheesyBookshelves (TM) had not bothered to do anything apart from draw some really vague pictures of what I assumed were the pieces of the bookshelf with some arrows pointing at different parts that were labeled A,B,C,D, and E. So after about 40 minutes of watching me try and hammer things with my shoe, Emi stepped in to help a brotha out. When Emi started helping, things started coming together because she has a knowledge of bookshelves and how to assemble them far beyond my comprehension. Within an hour, the bookshelf was complete, and we were patting each other on the back and commenting on how great we are at building things, even though we had managed to somehow break three of the little screw things in half. As we were having our moment of triumph, McKay looked up from whatever he was doing on his laptop instead of helping us (jokes, McKayKay) and was all, "oh hey, I think that you did it wrong." It was only then that we stepped away from the bookshelf and noticed, oh hey, one of the sides is completely upside down and backwards (see photo) and it was only when I went to take a picture of the bookshelf that I realized the bottom shelf was also upside down, exposing the high quality-wood underneath the... beautiful white paint.

The plan was to disassemble the bookshelf and let McKay draw pictures on the wood, which we would then...hang on our walls...with a lot of heavy duty 3m. Buuut instead I just went home for the weekend and left the bookshelf in my living room because I'm not the worst roommate ever.

When I came home, my lovely roommate SummerJones had had her friends fix my bookshelf! I don't know how they did it considering Emi and I preeetttty much broke everything we could have broken in assembling it, but whatever. It is now in my room and though it tips to the side a little (a lot) it works just fine, so I'm happy with it. Yaaaay.

Now for the next thing that already happened but that I am just now releasing to the

blogosphere. I'm sure you were all very anxious to know what I was doing at all the times that I was not blogging about what I was doing, because I am very interesting and don't spend most of my time watching Breaking Bad on Netflix.

We had an Indian food night! It was all very exciting. We decided we were going to try and make Chicken Tikka Masala, because it is the BEST, and also naan, which is also the BEST. Annnd it turned out pretty OK. I started cooking things at about 4 thinking that t

hings would be ready by six, but SummerJones, my sous chef, was out on a run, because she is insane. I do not like to run, ever, and I don't understand people that do. Mad props, or whatever, though.

So Summer had said she was going to be gone about 20 minutes, but she didn't show up for 2 hours, so I was pretty sure she was dead and I was very scared that no one was going to eat Indian food with me. Finally she came in and I was very relieved and we had a touching re

union and then started cooking.

Then things started to go awry. First of all, we were about to eat when McKay (who came over with Emi and Amber) asked if we had any rice, and we didn't, because we are dumb and don't think things through. So then Emi had to go home and get her rice cooker. While we waited for the rice to cook, we started Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, which is my favorite movie EVER.

If this photo doesn't convince you to watch it, I don't want to be friends with you.

I didn't think that anyone would like the movie because it's all in Hindi and it's a musical and it's very, very corny at times, but everyone got way into it, which was nice, except later when we were going to play Bang! it was hard to get everyone to stop watching it.

Anyway, we thought it would be a real good idea to let the curries sit on low heat while we waited for the rice to cook. Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. You have been chopped (that's a Food Network reference, in case people don't watch as much Food Network as I do, and you probably don't, because I watch a lot of Food Network.) Leaving the Tikka Masala on low made it coagulate a bit, so when we ate it it was....interesting. I will definitely stick to Tandoori. Mmmm...Tandoori...

Also, we for some reason thought if we rolled the naan dough (which is basically biscuit dough...scratch that, it's biscuit dough) into balls, it would flatten out into the really thin stuff you get at Indian restaurants. Because typically that's what bread does...it flattens out. Especially when it has yeast in it. Soooo we had biscuits with our Indian food. NBD.

Pictured: Non Naan

OK, part 1 complete! I bet when you started reading this you didn't think that I would split my story into a 2 part thingy, and now you are upset but also intrigued, because, after all, the best things in life are split into two parts, like the Breaking Dawn movies.

Try not to die of anticipation for part 2.

On a slightly more romantic note...

This is one of my favorite love songs everrrrr, so naturally I have listened to it an embarrassing number of times today.

Valentimes

I bet you are all hoping that I will either:

a) Blog about how much I hate Valentimes, not because I'm bitter about being single, but because love should be celebrated every day, or something, which is a dumb reason to hate a holiday. Do you also hate Father's Day or Mother's Day because you should celebrate your parents every day? Anyway...

b) Blog about my undying love for some boy who will read my blog, see that I am in love with him, and immediately fall into my loving embrace, or something.

But alas, I am not going to do either of those things. Because hating Valentimes day (yes I know that it's actually Valentines, picky readers) is stupid, and so is declaring your love on the blogosphere. Especially since no one ever just writes, "oh hey, by the way, I have a crush on you, Jake Ryan (or whatever this guy's name is.)" It's always more like "this boy, no, this man, has my whole heart, and he doesn't know how beautiful his deep ocean blue eyes are. I hope that he somehow knows that it's him I speak of, because of *THINLY VEILED REFERENCE TO SOMETHING YOU TALKED ABOUT ONE TIME*" Annnnnnd I don't talk like that. Ever. The closest I come is saying, "yeah, homeboy is pretty foxyfly." Also, I am not Nicholas Sparks, any character playing opposite Channing Tatum in any movie ever, or a fourteen year old with braces who has never spoken to her crush.

Anyways, I'm just wondering how many confessions of love there will be today. For some reason, Gary Marshall (yep, he's gonna take the fall for terrible rom coms today) has decided to make a series of movies (or should I say a series of the same movie but with a different setting) telling everyone how every holiday in the history of the world is a holiday where one should tell the truth to the one one loves, whether it's because the ball in Times Square is stuck halfway to the top of...the thing that drops the ball...I don't know the technical term... or because Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks for love in your lives, and how can you give thanks if the person doesn't know you love them??? If you got confused reading this paragraph, good, because I get confused every time one of my friends or sisters forces me to go see a Gary Marshall film.

This video from 30 Rock pretty much sums up the plot of Valentines Day and New Years Eve. I just saved you 2 dollars at Redbox (or probably more than that, because you will probably keep both movies much longer than a day because they are soooooo good.)

Alright, so, I kind of lost track of where this post was going. How grand. I'll just conclude by saying that I don't mind Valentimes. It's a day with a lot of pink things involved, which I appreciate. Additionally, my mom sends me a bunch of candy with a balloon tied to it and my French professor gives me cupcakes. So while I usually feel like a diabetic by the end of the day, overall, it's a good day, and I'm not going to be dramatic about it. The end.

Now I'm going to go watch Valentines Day (I'm not going to watch Valentines Day)

So remember that time that I posted that video about getting a boyfriend in middle school?

Here is the version for all of you boys that were all, "that's great, but how do I get a girlfriend now when I'm 24 or whatever and still act like I'm in middle school?"

You're welcome, boys of the WORLD.

A Sad Day for America

OK, so today my dress came!!

What dress, you ask? Since this is Utah (well where I am, anyway) you may think it is my WEDDING DRESS. But as you may have inferred from my earlier posts about how bad I am at flirting, I am not getting married. This dress is better than a wedding dress anyway. It's this really cool vintage dress from etsy! Whoa, right? Yeah, anyways...

I bought this dress thinking "I never do anything nice for myself," which is a lie, because about a week before I bought this dress I also bought myself a dress on modcloth.

ANYWAYS, so the dress came. And I was way excited, so I went to try it on. Now, because I am way smart, I didn't unbutton all the buttons on the dress when I stepped into it, just most of them. And one of the buttons, because it is a very old dress, fell off. And now I can't find it. It's OK, because if I safety pin the dress, it looks presentable. However, if I don't safety pin the dress, it shows my entire belly button and surrounding area. Which is obviously way cute and everything, but not suitable for class.

So now I am looking for the button and I am very sad. As is the rest of America, I'm sure.

Oscar Buzz!!!

Ok, guys. This is very serious. This movie might just top One For The Money, Think Like A Man, AND Snow White and the Huntsmen!! WHAT THE WHAT.

The movie is called The Lucky Ones, which is fitting, because it is based on the Nicholas Sparks book The Lucky Ones. I really, really wanted Nicholas Sparks to have written the script for this gem himself, but no such luck. Maybe when Nicholas Sparks' new book, The Best of Me (which I am assuming is titled The Best of Me because it is the best thing Nicholas Sparks has ever written) is made into a movie starring a former Disney star (male or female, I don't care) then he will finally do what the world has been demanding and write the screenplay.

Anyways, it is going to be so great. Like, the way that Zac Efron, who is supposedly an adult (you can't fool me, people in the movie that call him a "man" even though he still looks like he's 16, even with his strategic beard thing) seduces some lady who is a mom and looks 35, and then she gets mad at him for having a picture of her he found at war but then in the end she's like, "whatevs, I love you anyway." That's gonna be sosososogreat. Another thing I like is all of Zefron's way cool military tats. Like the one on his back that says something like "Live Like an Eagle" (I wasn't looking too closely during this part of the trailer)

Oh man, it's gonna be the bomb. Probably the bomb dot com, if I'm not getting ahead of myself. Someone please tell me this movie's exact release date.

Oh, sorry. Apparently, I have been calling it the Lucky ONES and it's actually just the Lucky ONE. Singular. So who is the lucky one??? Zefron or the lady? OHHH THE SUSPENSE CONTINUES TO BUILD.

Also, I would like to add when I googled this book/movie, the cover of The Best of Me came up, too. So maybe they are the same book? That would be clever of Nicholas Sparks, to write the same book twice and then just publish it under different titles. Oh wait, he would never do that.... right? (wrong)

Hypotheticals

So, I was hanging out with my roommates, which was odd in and of itself because we generally don't all hang out together, and of course the topic got turned to boys. I mean, come on. Of course it did. Don't pretend to be surprised.

And then, of course, the topic got turned to boys that I like, because, ya know, I guess everyone has to share.

And then my roommate, Clare, bless her heart, tells me that I should "

go over to his house and just kiss him and leave RIGHT NOW."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaha.

Here's how I imagine that would go down:

Me: Uhh...hi. Is so and such home?

So and Such's Roommate: Uhh...I think so. Who are you?

Me: I'm Chloe...can I just talk to So and Such for a second? (Said like I are going to throw up all over my shoes at any second)

So and Such's Roommate: Yeah, OK. I think so and such is in his room.

I knock on So and Such's door. He answers, sees me, and looks very, very confused.

So and Such: Hi Chloe. What the balls are you doing in my apartment/house/

condo?

Me: Uhhhhh.... (Tries not to have a repeat of the geocaching incident of '09) I uhm...need to talk to you.

So and Such: OK, but I have a lot to do and I'm really not sure why you're here unannounced.

We go into So and Such's room. So and Such looks at me like he is not sure whether or not I am completely sane and sober. Finally he sits down at a desk or on his bed or something and I sit down next to him. I try to sit closer to him but he moves away with a terrified look on his face

Or alternatively does not pick up what I am trying to do at all.

Me: So, my roommate said I should come over here and kiss you HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I continue laughing while So and Such looks on, not sure how to respond. Finally, I make some sort of erratic head movement in his direction, then either pass out, run away, or smack heads with him so hard that one or the other or both of us crack our skulls.

The end.

I don't know how smooth my roommates think that I am (because they kept trying to convince me this was an EXCELLENT plan for about 2 hours) but I can assure you, I am about as smooth as...an unsmooth thing. Oatmeal? I don't know. I have about as much game as John Heder even after John Heder made some money in the movies which should have given him more game (my apologies to John Heder if you are under the illusion that you have game and that you don't have milk teeth. Also, I couldn't think of a phenomenal example of someone with no game, except maybe myself again)

Pictured: Me on a "hike" a few years ago

Not pictured: Game.

Are you wanting some new music? Oh, perfect!

About every 3 months or so, I get an obnoxious urge to discover a million great new bands or songs. I start saying things like "I have terrible taste in music and everything on my ipod is LAME" until I find something new to listen to, then I'm happy and I go back to being smug about my music. I think a lot of you out there in the blogosphere probab
ly do the same thing. If you don't then I applaud you in knowing what you like and never changing it, I guess.

This is just a short list of albums that I am obsessed with right now. Some of them are new discoveries, some are old favorites. If you want some new music to listen to, you should check them out on itunes or amazon or whatever other questionable means you use to get music onto your ipod or other mp3 playing device.

1. The Stage Names-Okkervil River

I once had a friend describe this to

me as "the most accessible of Okkervil River's albums," and I was all, "OK, how about you stop talking like that because it makes you sound pretentious." But then I bought the whole CD and I felt bad for thinking those mean thoughts, because he was totally right. This is probably my favorite album Okkervil River has put out, and it's definitely the best starting place for...newbies? We'll go with newbies.

Favorite Songs:

1. John Allyn Smith Sails

2. A Hand To Take Hold Of The Scene

3. Unless It's Kicks

2. Helplessness Blues-Fleet Foxes

I don't really know why, but I fought liking Fleet Foxes for a long time. I guess because I am an idiot. I don't know. Anyways, I was listening to pandora and their song Ragged Wood came on, and I thought WHAT IS THIS VOODOO MAGIC?! So then, of course, I fell in love with Fleet Foxes and listened to nothing but Fleet Foxes for about a week straight. Helplessness Blues is one of my favorite albums, ever. Period, end of story. Also, look at the cover art. It's way cool.

Favorite Songs:

1. Helplessness Blues

2. Montezuma

3. Sim Sala Bim

3. High Violet-The National

I have been head over heels for this album for about a year now. Seriously, it never, ever gets old. Granted, I love, love, love Boxer and Alligator, but this one just can't be beat for me. Every track on it is incredible. I'm talking no skip even if I just listened to it five minutes ago great.

Favorite Songs: (these vary each day)

1. Lemonworld

2. Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks

3. England

Ok, now that I have been sufficiently douchey in forcing my music on you (not that you don't love it, don't pretend you don't love it) I'm going to go watch some Breaking Bad and not write my essay.

Breaking...Hearts?

OK, so I was trying to come up with a Breaking Bad AND Valentines Day title for this blog, but it totes didn't happen. Not that I put more than the absolute minimum effort into it.

Anyways, guys, this is the best thing I've seen all day.

Except possibly this

What do you think? Print them out and give them to EVERYONE, elementary school style, ya?? Or maybe just slip them under someone's door and run away giggling. Oh, the possibilities!

Flirting, Guys.

OK, so. Recently I watched this video on videogum.com

Annnnd I laughed. A lot.

But then I started thinking, "Oh man, I am the worst at flirting, and this girl is probably giving better flirting tips than I ever could."

Case in point. My freshman year of college, before my friend Sean V. was my friend Sean V., errybody in my apartment wanted a piece of Sean V. We just didn't say so to each other. Anyways, I was the first to try for his affections (then my roommate Ali made out with him while I was home for the weekend and I didn't like him any more)

So the first time that I thought to myself, self, you know what would be a good idea? To intentionally say something flirtatious to Sean instead of letting conversation flow naturally, because when you do that, you friendzone yourself SO hard, I managed to say literally the worst thing in the history of the world.

Do you want to know what that was?

I'm sure you do.

So, I don't remember how the topic came up, but we were talking about geocacheing. Sean was saying in high school they would geocache in gym, for some reason. Of course, I know a good opportunity to put the moves on a bro when I see one. So, I flirtatiously asked what he did with the things he found, such as the toy horse he was particularly proud of uncovering. He told me he had to put the items back.

Do you want to know what I said to that? Oh man, I don't even know if I want to tell my reader what I said to that.

Ok...fine.

I said, and I quote, "If it were me, I'd like...take a dump on it. So the next person who found it would be all, what the hell, man."

So just to re-cap, here are Chloe's Tips on Flirting:

1. If you want to impress a boy, ask him about his geocacheing.

2. When the boy tells you about things he geocached, tell him he's dumb for not having defecated on the items he found.

3. Enjoy having a million boyfriends, because this technique always works.

You win, hannahmiller9927.

Bloggin.

Alright, guys.

So right now, I should probably be doing my English 2010 homework for a lot of reasons. First of all, it's way easy. Much easier than my other classes. But I'm tired and I don't want to do it. Second of all, I have to get good grades so I get a 4.0 so I can go to grad school, spend a lot of money, and then eventually make no money. But again, I don't want to do it. So instead of saying, "OK, I will get up tomorrow and finish this," my plan goes something like this:

Get on blogger and write blog instead of going to bed. (Step 1)

Get up in morning at normal time (or possibly later than usual.) Feel sad that I have to work tonight (boo.) Not do my homework. (Step 2)

The end.

I think that sounds like a pretty good plan, don't you?

So tonight, I played Bang! for the first(ish) time, and it was pretty fun. My poor friend Emily hated it a LOT (I think) and I don't really blame her because it is literally the most complicated game possibly in the entire world. HOWEVER, it is worth it for that moment when someone says "I'm going to bang you," and you throw down your MISSED card with some sort of witty (you assume) catch phrase and the card lands face down but that's ok cause the point is that they missed you. Blammo.

Alrighty, then. I'm sure that this blog post has been fascinating and full of laughs for everyone involved. Now I'm probably going to actually fall asleep or probably going to actually turn on Parks and Rec and be up for the next forever or so. NBD. Say a little prayer that I get sent home early from work tomorrow so that I can get my life back in order because I'm always too tired to fix it (i.e. get back to doing homework before the day it is due in class while waiting for class to start, etc)

Lovesssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

P.S. I am a little afraid that when I curl my hair I may or may not look like a 19th century composer of classical music.